Photo by Marek Piwnicki on Unsplash
Losing everything tests every part of you. It also has levels. Losing a business at 30 doesn’t hit quite as hard as when you are near 50. That amplifies when everything you had was invested in that.
And a business is one thing. If that investment is crafted in individuals and how they do every thing, then you don’t just start again, even if you have the clients and the capital.
Of course there is more to life than a business. So if you combine those losses with losing people you love, relationships, family, etc, it can feel like you are naked and alone. It an make you doubt everything – especially yourself.
The devastation of Covid, lockdown, inflation, tech reset, etc is leaving many in similar circumstances.
And of course it is worse for many. Losing a loved one, a disabling car accident, cancer – there are a myriad of horrifically worse things than many go through. The average person goes through a lot.
But trauma is personal and not relative.
You learn a lot in trauma (hopefully):
- You learn about minute-to-minute priorities. Saving a life. Food. Health.
- Your reserves – how much you can really cope with and how strong you are.
- Simplify – take the hits you have to. We all have limits. Unfortunately that means you need to let go of some things, take the financial hits you can in order to focus on the bigger things.
- Don’t get ahead of yourself. Do what you can to get through a day. Do a little bit more to make the next day better.
- Balance – the trauma, family, work.
- Who will be there for you. Who you can trust. Who really loves you.
- It’s not other people’s journey – your employees, friends, etc have got to take care of their own challenges and futures.
- There are others going through their own tangential trauma around you – be kind to them.
- Some people will let you down or even betray you. Find the strength to move on.
- Appreciate the angels – those who did more than they had to or even should have.
- Build empathy for others in similar circumstances.
- How valuable it is to be able to share with others going through similar times.
- Appreciate that you were not there for others in your situation – trauma is incredibly personal.
- Avoid catastrophising – things are tough, find the small things that get you through, the lessons in the adversity, the fight.
- It takes time to process, deal with depression and rebuild capacity.
- Perspective.
I wrote about a friend who had gone through an incredible trauma and told me how I would need to be prepared for when supporting friends move on. How they cannot remain as involved as you are. (“Be Kind” – insert alongside)
Talking to those facing similar adversity helps. One of my friends is a similar age and an entrepreneur. He faces potential failure and losing everything. We exchange messages regularly and support one another. Another friend of a similar age lost her sister to cancer and has had to fight some horrific legal battles for custody of her sister’s child. Another friend’s business partner ripped him off and he is now rebuilding while his wife fights cancer. We all feel the incredible anxiety of surviving – and hopefully more – with just over 15 years left to make a success or at least earn enough for retirement. Knowing that that you are not alone helps.
Be Kind
The average person is dealing with any of a combination of issues relating to relationships, divorce, mental health, sexuality, aging parents, struggling kids, young babies, bereavement, physical health, cancer, struggles at work, job loss and financial difficulty.
If you are not dealing with one or two of those, you are an outlier and very, very lucky. And you are likely to face them at some point.
Anyone can be kind. Treasure those that are.
Caring for a very sick loved loved one is incredibly tough. Helping someone with crises at 3am and smiling to your team or others at 8am is an tough challenge. Sharing the trauma and tears of such a shared personal experience with the few that can relate makes a big difference. The movie “One True Thing” is a pretty good Hollywood version.
What people deal with need not be as devastating – but most people deal with one of a sick baby up all night, a relationship argument, a divorce, illness or ageing parents.
A few things emerged for me as I have gradually begun to rebuild.
- Starting a business is one of the toughest things in the world with a ridiculously high failure rate. There is a crazy romanticism about it and far too many people believe that it is about raising $100m and building a successful moonshot tech company. This article – “The Psychological Cost of Entrepreneurship” – is exactly on point. Add life challenges to the potential mix – they happen. I completely get why older entrepreneurs succeed more – they have to (“Older Entrepreneurs Outperform Younger Founders“).
- Be there for your friends and family – even if just to phone and especially to listen.
- Find the strength to let go where you have to. “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” is exactly right. It applies to so much, but people especially. - What you lose is typically gone for good. That can be opportunities, employees, friends, relationships or loved ones that pass on. In the business sense, sort through what that means. For me, our strong brand, work history, client loyalty and my experience remains. Rebuilding the team has to be different. I don’t have the 17 years to build a team to ten year’s experience after hiring from varsity, training, churn, etc. So an accelerated rebuild with experienced hires is critical.
- Find what you haven’t lost – even (especially) if just your spirit.
- Set some milestones – 5 employees, 10 then 20 with some hard dates. Some client, revenue and profit targets with the same.
- Find the wins to build momentum and overcome self-doubt. You may be anxious about your capability and others will see your failures and write you off. You need belief.
- Look after those that support you and join your journey. Show your appreciation.
- Find some partners, coaches or just friends to help you through – it can too much to pull yourself out of a hole by yourself.
- Find the space to make less emotional decisions – be they about giving up and trying something new or sticking to a previous path. Both can be wrong.
I am extremely lucky to have a great work pipeline and great client buy-in to our delivery. That gives me the belief that putting the right team together in a more accelerated fashion gives GA a strong chance.
Getting through the traumas – personal and business has been a daily step-by-step journey. Critical to the way forward is also lifting my head and find the joy and excitement in the new – for myself and those around me.
Mantras help squash the ruminations – the Phoenix metaphor is good one to work towards.