Photo by Jess Zoerb on Unsplash

Many of us have had a testing few years. The press is full of people burnt out by the strains of the pandemic, navigating remote work, etc.

Building a business is challenging at the best of times. Few can appreciate the strain – especially when bootstrapping.

I got the bootstrapping challenge. What I totally underappreciated was life challenges – and perhaps what the average person carries. Maybe we all do until it happens to us.

The average person is dealing with any of a combination of issues relating to relationships, divorce, mental health, sexuality, aging parents, struggling kids, young babies, bereavement, physical health, cancer, struggles at work, job loss and financial difficulty.

If you are not dealing with one or two of those, you are an outlier and very, very lucky. And you are likely to face them at some point.

At one point I was advised by a coach / Anglican priest that I could not take on other people’s shit – I had enough of my own to deal with. Skipping over the double entendre for now (I chuckled at the choice of language from a priest at the time), this is certainly true as a work colleague, boss, etc. But we can be kind. Having empathy for others likely struggles is not to take them on our own shoulders.

I have shouldered an enormous amount through a family tragedy over the past two years. You have to shield others – as a leader especially team members – from this. Authenticity is a fine line. As I brought in new business, kept the business going, smiled in the morning meetings, I tried to shield the team and others from the 3am traumas, hospital visits, patient care, etc. No one can appreciate that unless they are there. Even the details cannot resonate without the presence and personal connection.

So many deal with that invisibly.

As I began dealing with my family trauma, a CEO of a potential client who had become a good friend shared his experience of what I might go through. A few years prior, a drunk pedestrian had stumbled into the road in front of his car and was killed. My friend told me about the trauma and how supportive his family had been at first. “But over time, even my wife could not relate to what I was still going through. You are going to have that too.’

I could not have imagined how right he would be.

And so to kindness. Along my journey, I have been lucky to have a few people who have been exceptionally kind. There were big moments and smaller ones. They all counted.

The friend and cousin who helped clean up my parents’ house after they were attacked.

My friend who took in my parents’ dog.

The family who gave my parents accommodation as we sorted out their move.

The friends who spent time with my mom when I couldn’t be in two places at once.

The offers of office space, lifting, meals.

The messages of support.

My work team who helped maintain my Koi pond while I was away – and kept the business going.

My PA who took on so much of my personal admin – and gave me hugs while pledging her support.

My junior team member who stuck with me through all this.

My recruiter friend – on his own entrepreneurial journey – who won’t take pay while helping me through the regrowth challenge.

The clients who had faith that I would deliver despite what I was going through. Who have continued to support our business’ regrowth.

My great friend who has so many dinners with me where he just listens.

A friend who is a lawyer and helped with the process to sell my parents house – despite fighting his own hell of his wife’s cancer.

The psychiatrist who has helped me with my mom for over a year and a half and as yet not even billed me.

My amazing friend who gave so much advice as I renovated my parents house for sale – or just stopped for many lunches to check in on me.

My friend and client who prepaid a huge amount for work and bridged a finance gap. That saved our business.

The same CEO friend above who shared his trauma experience – offered my his pension savings as a bridge – despite my never actually having worked for him.

When you go through difficult times in life, moments that are the metaphorical straws on the camel’s back can be the ones that break you. You don’t need the mega-gestures like the prepayment advanced by my client. Of course those can save you. More often than not, it is the simple gestures that get you through – like the kind feedback from a client that gets passed on to you when it might not have been.

Affirmations. Appreciation. Listening. Presence. A hug.

Anyone can be kind. Treasure those that are.

They say that your greatest lessons are in adversity. I think it takes great humility and self awareness for this to be true. Even if this is forgiving those who couldn’t be there through realizing where I too have failed to be there for others- or just appreciating what they might be carrying.

Considering kindness also contrasts opposite behaviour to watch out for – anger, righteous indignation, aggression. Or just plain indifference.

There will always be tough times ahead and many opportunities to make a difference. Even just a smile and a greeting to a person on the street.